How men should urinate in the bathroom

I find that generally, ladies’ bathrooms are cleaner than the men’s bathroom. Ladies’ bathrooms are also more crowded because women tend to chat and hang around in the bathroom, primping themselves, but men are very succinct when they do their business. Come in, do what you need to do, leave. Kind of like a commando raid.

However, I look at the floors in the men’s room and I usually feel ill. It’s a muddy collection of footsteps in yellow fluid.

At home, I like to keep the bathroom clean. I like the bathroom floor to be dry after I use the bathroom. My motto on bathroom use: “Cleaner than when you arrived” which roughly can be interpreted as, if one uses the bathroom, one should use it cleanly, in fact, the place should be cleaner and tidier than when you first arrived.

I keep the toilet seat down after I use it since I’m the only male in the house (two females, three, if you include our nanny who works days). Before we acquired our nanny, I spent last year cleaning our bathroom at least once every two weeks.

Muddy bathrooms are like itchy spots in the middle of your back. They are really hard to reach and they are incredibly irritating. I keep looking at the floor in angles, detecting puddles which are hard to see especially if it’s clean water. Muddy puddles are easier to see but since I want to practice prevention, if I see a muddy puddle it means I failed in being vigilant; I’d just stepped in a puddle, making the water muddy.

Men’s bathrooms are smelly, dirty and unhygienic solely because of the way our…equipment are designed. Many guys don’t realize it, but when they drizzle, there’s a little tinkling in the opposite direction. If they aren’t careful, they may have actually sprinkled on their pants already (but the urine spots are so few and small, they usually dry up and aren’t noticed).

In Indonesia, some urinals have become positively draconian. The management attached clear plastic shields that look like those bulletproof shields a machine gunner turret has, with a little notch that makes room for our equipment so that we will tinkle into the urinal, and not on to the floor. I think the measure is too much, but I do feel for these folks. I keep checking the floor in front of urinals for little yellow puddles and when I see spots I shoot a mental thought at the previous user, “Boor!”

The tiny backspray is almost undetectable because the man, from his point of view, can’t look under his equipment and see if his drizzle is spraying a little in the opposite direction. When men take out their little friend, the lips of the tip of their equipment are stuck together because for a long time it’s been stuck in the pants. When we urinate, the gummed up lips are like putting your hand in front of a garden hose: instead of a nice, clean, steady stream, the garden hose is spraying everywhere.

So it is with us when we tinkle.

I have a solution for this.

I like leaning forward when I tinkle, so that from the side, I’m a little like the bow of an archer. I try avoid touching the ceramic of the urinal or toilet so that it will not stain my pants (in case there are fluids or brown stains there). Then I grasp the head, and with my two pointing fingers, make my equipment talk. I mean, I widen the lips of the head to unstuck the lips. This helps reduce any backspray, and I can tinkle fairly assured I won’t wet my pants or spray on the floor.

Does it work? Well, after urinating, I check the front of my pants. They are dry. I check the floor for droplets. No drops. So far, the system works for me.

Be polite. Keep the men’s bathroom clean. Don’t wet your pants or piddle on the floor. Do a little ‘talking’ to make sure the little guy’s opening is free and clear to urinate.

Farewell to my students